Hypothetically Speaking
by TehKusoGaki
Summary: All Eiri wants to do is go to sleep but Shuichi keeps assaulting him with a never-ending barrage of idiotic questions.


Title- Hypothetically Speaking

Disclaimer- Gravitation and its characters do not belong to me, and I make no money through my defamation of them.

Warnings- The usual bad language, implied sex, and a whole lot of ridiculous nonsense.

Summary- Shuichi keeps Eiri up late at night with a long list of 'what ifs' that need answering.

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"Ne, Yuki? I have a question."

Eiri silently groaned; whenever Shuichi started a conversation with a question he knew he was in for the long haul and as usual, the timing couldn't have been worse.

_Why me?_ he pleaded silently.

He had been lying peacefully enjoying the afterglow, relaxed and tremendously satisfied from their previous activity, when the small, almost whispered voice spoke up next to him, shattering the glorious moment with all the tact and subtlety of Godzilla rampaging through downtown Tokyo.

"What is it, brat?" he snapped. He had a feeling he'd regret it, but in addition to the need to satisfy his own curiosity, piqued by the limitless possibilities of what Shuichi might need to know at such a late hour, Eiri knew the kid wouldn't give up very easily. If he was to get any sleep at all he'd have to get the asinine conversation out of the way. So he rolled over, propped himself up on one arm, and pretended to pay attention.

"Well, I was just wondering… if we ever got married who would change their name?"

"Idiot," Eiri muttered and flopped back down onto his pillow; he absolutely refused to dignify the question with an answer.

"Aww, _come on, _Yuki!" Shuichi whined. "I was serious. Answer me!"

Nothing.

Not one to be ignored, Shuichi began shaking Eiri's still prone form, and when that didn't work he slugged him on the shoulder.

However, when the only response he elicited from the adorably grumpy man was to get him to roll over, Shuichi realized it was time for drastic measures, so he resorted to Plan B.

"Yuuki," he whispered seductively into the man's ear. Eiri continued to lie still, but the telltale shivers that ran down his body were proof enough that he was faking his slumber.

A Cheshire cat-like grin split the boy's face, and he slowly leaned in, took Eiri's earlobe gently between his teeth, and bit down.

"Ouch!" Eiri yelped and shot up as though he had been stuck by a cattle prod. He glared at Shuichi while rubbing the affected ear with one hand and angrily demanded to know "What the hell was that for!?"

"You didn't answer my question."

"That's because it's stupid."

"Aww, come on, Yuki, I wanna know. Please?"

Damn! Try as he might, Eiri couldn't resist 'the face.'

You'd think after so many rounds of pummeling, Shuichi's brain would be too rattled to think, but _no_, quite the opposite seemed to be true, it was as if the questions had been shaken loose.

"I don't see why I should tell you, you're so abusive. I ought to report you for domestic violence."

"You can try, but nobody's gonna believe that a big, tough guy like you is being picked on by a little squirt like me."

"That's true. What was your question again?"

"If we ever got married, who would change his name?"

Eiri let out a long-suffering sigh, but pinching the bridge of his nose to ward off his impending headache wearily responded.

"Why do you ask?"

"Well, 'cause normally the girl takes on the man's family name, but we're both guys, so how do we decide?"

"We don't, you moron, two men can't get married in Japan."

"I know that, but y'know… a lot of countries are starting to recognize gay marriage."

"So? I'm not about to let you drive me bonkers on a plane just to get married when it wouldn't even count in Japan anyway, and you're Queen of the Fairies, not me."

"I can't believe you can still say that! If you're not gay than what do you call me?"

"An exception."

"So, you _are_ taking me to get married?"

"When hell freezes over."

"But- but- Yuki!" Shuichi cried.

"Forget it."

"Fine! But what if Japan ever legalizes it?"

"Legalizes what?"

"Gay marriage."

"It'll never happen."

"But what if it does?"

"It won't."

"Yu-ki! Don't be so mean! You shouldn't crush my hopes so mercilessly like that; I'm just saying 'what if.' I'm talking purely hypocritically."

"Hypothetically," Eiri corrected.

"Hypothetically then. Can't you humor me for once?"

"If you ask me, I already indulge you far too much. But okay, I'll bite," Eiri said and leaned in to playfully nip at the boy's ear to pay him back for earlier.

"Thanks," Shuichi squeaked, blushing profusely.

"If Japan ever legalizes gay marriage…" Eiri paused for a moment as though actually considering the idea, "I'll wear the white gown myself."

"Yuki! Be real!"

"I am. I _really _don't think it'll ever happen."

"I'd be careful, Yuki, if it does I'm gonna hold you to that."

"Are you done yet?" Eiri yawned. He was well past the point of exhaustion and wanted nothing more than to spend the next eight hours in rejuvenating slumber.

"No, you still haven't answered my question."

"Who would change his name?"

"Yeah."

"Neither of us."

"But one of us has to."

"Why?"

"Because! Yuki, don't you know that when you marry someone the two of you become one? Sharing a name is symbolic of that and of joining the other person's family."

"All the more reason not to do it."

"But how are people supposed to know we're together if we don't even share a name?"

"I don't think there's a single person out there who doesn't know what the score is between us, and if there is we can always post that video we made last week on the internet. _That _oughta clear up any misconceptions."

"Yuki!" Shuichi exclaimed. Eiri chuckled; he always did love getting a rise out of the boy, not that he thought he actually could get another 'rise' out of him that night. "Fine! Since you seem so opposed to name changing, I guess I'll change mine, okay?"

"Hrmph, whatever," Eiri grunted.

"Hmn… Yuki Shuichi, kinda funny, but not so bad."

"Yuki's my pen name, you idiot. You'll have to take my real one."

"Uesugi… Shuichi?"

"That's right."

"Blech."

"Exactly."

"Then why don't you change_ your_ name? You don't seem to like the name Uesugi either."

"Hell no. Even for the massive coronary it would give the old man, it's still not worth it to hand my boys over to you that easily. I'd never live it down, and, at any rate, Shindou Eiri sounds nearly as bad as Uesugi Shuichi."

"No, it doesn't."

"Yes, it does. If either of us sported those names our careers would be in the toilet."

"Alright, you win. I guess we'll both keep our own names."

"Glad that's settled. Good night." Eiri was relieved; now he could finally get some sleep! He settled back down into bed and pulled the covers back over himself, but as soon as he got comfortable, the small voice once again ruined his peaceful reverie.

"Hey, Yuki? Umm… if we both keep our own names then what name will our children have?"

"What?!" Eiri bolted upright and stared at Shuichi as though he had gone mad. He ran his eyes up and down Shuichi's squirming, self-conscious body, just to be certain, and raised a questioning eyebrow. "Is there something I don't know about you?"

"No," Shuichi said defensively, "but since we're dealing with hypothetical what ifs, I was wondering what name our children would have."

"You idiot, there's nothing 'what if hypothetical' about it; it's biologically impossible."

"I know that, but what if we adopted?"

"You must be joking; there's not an agency in the world crazy enough to give us a kid."

"Why not? We'd be responsible parents."

"You're kidding, right?"

"No, we'd make excellent fathers."

"No, we wouldn't, and that's why there's no one who would even consider letting us adopt."

"Then how about a surrogate?"

"That's brilliant. I'm sure we'll have no trouble at all finding a woman who wants her child raised by a famous homosexual couple."

"Cloning?"

"Hell no, one of you is about all I can stand."

"Well, let's just say there was someone-"

"There's not. Even the Chinese and Cambodians would refuse us."

"But _if _there was, what name would our children take?"

"I don't care. You decide."

"YUKI! How can you say that?! This is important!"

"The 'what ifs' of your little fantasy world are important?"

"That's right! So take it seriously."

"O…kay…" Eiri, desperate to get it over with, began to carefully think it over. "Hnm… You're the only son in your family, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then I won't mind if you want to use the name Shindou."

_Ha! That oughta make Shuichi happy. Right?_

"Aww, that's so sweet, but won't your father be upset that you're not giving the children your family name? You are the oldest son after all."

"Probably, but who cares?"

"I do! I don't want to come between you and a good relationship with your father."

"Boat's already sailed on that one, Shu-chan, you missed out on that golden opportunity when you flashed the old codger and ruined my engagement while wearing that hideously ugly dress."

"It was not ugly."

"Yes, it was."

"Well, that won't work anyways."

"Why not?"

"Because! They're supposed to be _both_ our children, they should share _both_ our names."

"Arrgh," Eiri groaned but tried to think of a solution that would placate the kid so he could finally catch some Zs. "Fine, why don't we name the first kid 'Shindou' and the second 'Uesugi?'"

"NOO! Yuki, that won't work either."

"Grr," Eiri growled and glared at the boy. "Look, I'm trying really hard to be fair and compromise so you'll finally shut up and let me get some shuteye, so can you _please_ explain to me what's wrong with my solution _this _time?"

"Don't you see? Yuki-"

"No, I don't. Do you wanna spell it out for me?"

"We're _supposed_ to be a happy family, but how can we be when our kids don't even share a name? People will think they're from a broken home."

"Fine! That's it! If you're gonna keep shooting down all my ideas then you can come up with one of your own!"

"Jeez, Yuki, you don't have to get all snippy about it."

"I can't help but get irritable when you're keeping me up all night and we're not doing something a little more… fun."

"You're always irritable, and this is fun."

"If you say so," Eiri yawned again and rubbed his tired eyes.

"Hmn…" Shuichi started wringing the sheets between his hands and furrowed his brow in concentration. The term 'lost in thought' seemed to suit him perfectly, Eiri noted. But, then again, it was unfamiliar territory.

"I know!" the boy suddenly exclaimed. "We can combine both our names like this: Shindou-Uesugi."

"Uesugi-Shindou sounds better."

"Uesugi-Shindou then."

"Good. Now get some sleep," Eiri tentatively began lying back down hoping the topic was closed for discussion but had no such luck.

"Wait, you don't think it's too long do you?"

"No, its fine," Eiri allowed himself to drop the rest of the way onto the soft and fluffy inviting mattress.

"Maybe, but don't you think it would be better if it were shorter? How does Uesundou sound?"

"Stupid."

"Then how about Shindesugi?"

"Shuichi, no," Eiri rolled himself onto his side to face the boy but was too exhausted to push himself off his pillow again. "I'm not about to give my children a name that's sure to get them beat up. It was fine the way it was, and besides, I don't think you'd be able to write either of those names in kanji."

"Oh, I guess you're right, but doesn't it sound cute? Like when the media fuses the names of celebrity couples."

"I hate it when they do that."

"Really? I think it's cute; you should hear some of the names fans have for us."

"Like what?"

"Well… there's a couple. Yushu seems to be the most popular, but I'm partial to Shuuki myself."

"Who the hell says 'Shuuki?'"

"There's a few," Shuichi pouted.

"Is it too late to tell everyone that our relationship is a hoax?"

"Yup," Shuichi giggled. "Sure is. Nobody's gonna believe you now, but don't worry, I won't really make you wear the white dress at our wedding."

"There's not going to be a wedding, dumbass; besides, you probably want to wear the gown yourself."

Shuichi's suppressed giggle made Eiri cringe and his gut wrench in concern.

"You don't really want to, do you?" he asked, pushing himself up slightly, his face blanching and his voice expressing his abject terror at the thought.

"Of course not," Shuichi dismissed the idea and Eiri sighed with relief and let his body sink back into the bed.

"Good night, brat," Eiri muttered into his pillow, his eyes already closed.

Shuichi smiled at the endearing sight and began to hunker down for the night as well; however, no sooner than his head hit the pillow did he find himself springing back up, his mind plagued with a new question.

"Yuki!" he practically shouted in excitement. "I just thought of something."

"Arrgh," Eiri moaned, he was so close! He had almost fallen asleep when the damn kid had once again foiled his plans to visit dreamland. He banged his head on headboard in frustration, but all that managed to do was increase the headache that was developing due to sleep deprivation.

"Now what!?" he sat up and barked at Shuichi, not even trying to hide the annoyance in his voice.

"Well…" Shuichi murmured with his eyes downcast and his fingers doodlingintricate patterns on the bed sheets. "Do you remember when you said we could name the first kid, and then the second?"

"Yeah, so?"

"So," Shuichi beamed brightly, "does that mean you want to have more than one kid?"

"No."

"Oh," Shuichi instantly deflated. "Then would rather have a boy, or a girl?"

"Huh?"

"Since you don't want more than one, which one would you rather have?"

"Neither. I don't like children; I'd rather get a cat."

"Does that mean we can get a pet then?" Shuichi bubbled with joy.

"Hell no. I have my hands full taking care of and cleaning up after you. I don't need another pet."

"I'm not a pet!"

"That's not what some of the tabloids say."

"Hrmph, meanie."

"It's your fault for keeping me up so late, but I'll call it a truce and stop teasing if you let me sleep for the rest of the night."

"Okay, deal. I'm out of questions anyway."

"'Bout time," Eiri exclaimed with mock exasperation. He reached out, ruffled Shuichi's hair, and gave him a kiss on the forehead. "Good night, you little pain in the ass."

"Sweet dreams." This time Shuichi let out a yawn. It appeared to be catching, but Eiri was glad he had finally worn the kid out and allowed himself another yawn as well as he watched Shuichi nestle down into bed.

Not wanting to have his attempt at slumber interrupted again, Eiri waited patiently until the boy stopped stirring and then, at long last, let himself hit the hay as well. Finally! He could get some blissful, uninterrupted, heavenly rest.

Unfortunately, Shuichi hadn't fallen asleep quite as quickly as Eiri had thought and soon he once again shattered the peaceful still of the night.

"Um, Yuki? One more question, _please?_"

"Alright, but that's it."

"If we ever went out dancing, who would lead?"

The End

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Anyone surprised Eiri let this nonsense go on for so long? Me too. Poor Eiri must have been very tired if he couldn't put a stop to this earlier. Shuichi must have really worn him out beforehand (hee hee) or maybe he just put him in a really good mood to make him so compliant. I doubt Eiri's patience will last much longer, but I'll leave it to you to decide how he will react to Shuichi's last bit of idiocy. Though, personally I can see him kicking Shuichi out with nothing but his pillow like he did in track 47, or maybe just smothering him with it if that's less work, or maybe he'll hit his head on the headboard again and this time succeed in knocking himself out. I hope you all had fun reading this I had fun writing it.

Thanks go to lawless523 for helping me clean up my messes; one of these days I'll have to learn to pick up after myself.

Kanji- the Chinese characters used in Japanese writing.

Thank you for reading. Show some love; leave a review.


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